Ghosts, Ghouls and Rich Guys Decide London’s Public Transit Future

(Also known as all the reasons why no one who really knows London wants to stay in London) 

It’s the same-old same-old. College and university students from the GTA had Scotty beam them up to their futuristic and functional public transit utopias promptly leaving London at warp speed.

No one’s really quite sure of what this city is, neither are the elderly of the town who gathered for the public meeting on Wednesday, May 3rd at the desolate hour of 4 pm.

Hosted at the Bud Gardens, home of mid-sized artists, past their 15 minutes of fame big artists who are also oft mistake for dead or disbanded, local provincial teams and my personal favourite…Disney On Ice.

If there were no transit posters, you may have thought yourself stuck at an RV convention, geriatric care conference or quite possibly a bad re-enactment of  a medieval petition session.

No one was quite sure how long the performative democratic function would go on. Everyone was united on one thing, protecting their hard earned dollars as tax payers.

Who’s more invested in the future then anyone else? Let’s find out.

#1 LONG LIST JOE aka the “In my non-expert humble opinion” Guy

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 9.08.07 PMNo one knows how and why he does it, but this dude is guaranteed to bring at least a page list of ‘questions’ if not more.

You have to wonder how he still has enough energy to give a sh*t about politics. Most of the time you wonder how he has enough energy to keep kicking.

He will waste a good 300 minutes of your life asking the same question 30 times, 300 minutes of your life you can never get back.

You can identify these know-it-all types people in their infancy. If you know one of these people please seek help for them. Please call 1-800-KNOW-IT-ALL-ANONYMOUS to prevent a life time of long lists, speculation, fallacies and time wasted. You can be a hero. Save vital days of our lives today.

#2 JANET, SUPERHUMAN CYCLIST aka “I bike the whole city faster than any bus” Lady

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 10.05.27 PM

This lady is pure impressive. Her elbows are sharper than any kitchen knife in existence. She outpaces the 90 express
on her classic bike making London’s streets her personal bitch.

In fact she even walks faster than the 13. We got ourselves a regular Flash. Don’t be fooled by her frail appearance. She can take on any steroid junky at the Western Rec centre.

Not to mention her broach is probably worth 3 years of your tuition. That’s most likely why she doesn’t even think about taking the bus.

Janet’s just been gifted with the primordial ability to outpace it using the force of her body, and investments. Next time you hear a pitter patter on the bus’s roof, be on the look out, you definitely know its blessed elderly legs which hop over your bus on her way to the Yarn sale.


Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 10.06.29 PM

He’s the mayor. No one knows why he’s still mayor. He doesn’t know why he’s still mayor.

Matt is stressed. He doesn’t have all the answers. He’s just trying to get through this. He’s just trying to get this transit thing sorted out. He’s only human. He’s only one man.

Those might be the excuses for his affair, but hey his political career didn’t end in resignation!


#4 THE CAPITALIST POSTER CHILD aka the dude who owns half of downtown

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 10.06.54 PM You know his name, you’ve definitely seen it. You might even be a tenant of his, but you know one thing. This dude is making the real bank in this city.

He’s London’s very own capitalist Che Guevara. Canadian dream type story. Immigrates, becomes an entrepreneur, strikes gold, now likely very rich and he’s probably working on cementing wealth.

Might have subtlety hinted at a major lawsuit if things don’t go a certain way. Love how performative democratic functions create the illusion of this dude having an equal platform to Janet and Joe! Ah, capitalism, I salute you!


#5 WANTED TO BE A JOURNALIST, ENDED UP A CONSPIRACY THEORIST aka the small business owner who ties everything to big corporate firms

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 10.05.42 PM


Listen, Laura. You are not a journalist. Everyone is going to let you have your moment.

It is not because you’re breaking ground on the illuminati. It’s only because most people find it entertaining. Plus your fruit floral arrangements are cool.

There might even have been some great leads in the research you dug up. Look, we like you Laura, but there’s a time and place. It just might of passed. We wish you had a little more moxie in your youth and sought opportunities outside of the London Free Press.

Maybe then you could have written a really good exposé on the guaranteed municipal drama which seems to envelope this city without pause.  We’re glad your successful at business, but you know you serve as a cautionary tale.


#6 THE SMOOTH OPERATOR, TOP REAL ESTATE GUY aka the dude who’s sold a lot of the land and a lot of expensive land

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 10.05.56 PM

Like Capitalist Poster Child, this dude comes with the gusto and all the moxie of the immigrant entrepreneur. You’ve seen his name, and he most likely makes money in his sleep too.

Most people would  like to be this guy.

He’s relatable, charismatic and personable. He’s probably got one hell of a house himself. Don’t forget, this dude 110% knows the people who own the mall.

Talk about newly bourgeoisie. Never tell your immigrant parents about these guys, exceptional cases will always lead unrealistic expectations. He’ll most likely be the one to mention friends in high places favour certain options rather others.


#7  THE ACTUAL GHOSTS  aka the next generations using the actual transit.

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 10.06.42 PM

So here’s the real serious question. Perhaps it’s a chicken before the egg type scenario.

Some of the people who’ll possibly be using the transit aren’t born yet, you guys are excused from these questions, of course.

However, for those who may see this city through it’s next 30 years, ask yourselves this:

Is an apathetic political climate inherent to London?

Is our population’s disenfranchisement a result of this climate of political apathy and lack of vision?

Or is it the leadership’s inability to inspire engagement and investment?

– A.


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